Al fino

Finally, I am almost done with the Fall Semester of 2008.

It seriously blew. I didn't do my best, I took 21 hours of class, and I let myself (and to some extent my professors) down. 

However, I did pretty well in some aspects. My Italian has improved, I've gotten a bit better about being proactive in regards to readings and homework, if only a little bit, and I didn't party. 

I had Japanese yesterday which was surprisingly long but not too bad. I slept when I got home, woke up at midnight, read, then did some homeworks to be resubmitted for the end of the semester. 

I got a box of candy for my professor since she was really kind. She went so out of the way to help me. I love professors that come off as stern and serious at first but turn out to be the most interesting, kind and amazing people ever. 

Now I'm off get ready and go to school to study for my last final. Wish me luck. 

いよいよ、ほっと出来る様にになると思う。

Be Mine!

I'm doing my revision for the Italian final paper I'd been freaking out about.

My topic has broadened a bit and changed to the evolution of the idealization of the woman loved. It's really hard to make sure I'm talking about the idealization and not the figure of the woman herself as she's never really humanized. She's just this amazing image in a poet's head.

Which just made me think, "Don't I do the same when I think about what I want in a relationship?" Which might explain why I'm eternally single. 

I picked up some new cd's I'd been looking at for a while. I've listened to "Be Mine!" by Robyn for about a year and a half now but it never gets old. Pick it up for Christmas, it's worth it.

Back to the paper. 5 pages to go. 

Oh baby can't you see, 待つのは得意じゃないけど...

Commencing Anthropology essay.

We were talking in class the other day about our favorite thing (out of the art world, or what we can relax to).

I said languages and music, specifically how someone expresses themselves through the lyrics in a song in different languages. English tends to be a bit more rhythm gamey and flat out with emotions, Italian I'm honestly not sure but a lot of it is kind of...corny to me (unless it's Carmen Consoli), and Japanese uses shitloads of imagery and description, plus lots of forever's (永遠) and I love you's. 

In other news, my friend told me to find a boyfriend. Pardon me while I find out what is wrong with me. Clearly I'm an ugly beast with a low intelligence level.

Oh wait not so much. I will be the 40 year old virgin. Oh my. (I'm more than half-way.) Less to take up my oh-so-plentiful free time.

Right. Onto conservation in Southeast Asia. Go makeout with your significant other if you're reading this. You should be fucking, not reading a blog.

Scacco Matto

Here's a poem we had to read in class. My teacher had gotten it from her father who had gotten it from co-workers. They were in Italy. If you understand Italian, read this.

Scacco Matto

Sono nato a Rockaway,sotto Brooklyn, in un lembo di terra che sembra un dito largo e teso nell’ Atlantico.

Non ricordo donna che m’ abbia custodito d’ amore l’ infanzia e i primi incanti.

Ma è stato bello crescere dietro una siepe, ogni giorno l’ oceano negli occhi,

bello come scovare orgoglio malnascosto nella faccia italiana di mio padre

la volta in cui entrai a casa con il primo stipendio da contabile.

 Volle giocare una partita a scacchi e fumando due sole sigarette,

fece che lo battessi senza scuse su una mossa di torre e di regina.

Concluse che dovevo sempre stare attento alle torri,

comunque infide nei loro movimenti lunghi su un percorso di croce bianco e nero.

“Infide” disse serio il mio vecchio

E ricordavo la parola sorridendo di martedì quell’ undici settembre

Mentre correvo a lavorare per Manhattan.

E il suo monito posso riconoscere ora che sono polvere dispersa da un lampo osceno,

polvere abbandonata fra altre polveri scomposte sotto un marciapiede divelto,

a fianco della foglia dove mio padre non potrà mai trovarmi,

nemmeno per tenermi la mano degli scacchi.

Ero di Rockaway e non ho avuto amore né conforto di donna:

una adesso ne venga e chieda agli iris bianchi

di fiorire nel nome mio indistinto, cancellato.

And I'm off to bed. Let me know if anyone got that. I have to re-read it myself. I was supposed to do a homework on it quite a while ago but I'm getting to it now.

オール

I stayed up all night. I've done nearly all of my midterm Part 1.

I also have a few regular homeworks to do. I'm currently enjoying VH1 and some music videos. Let's hope I don't pass out cold in class.

I'm only taking 12 credits next semester.

Fuck my life, part 2

I have just started my essay. It's 4:41 AM.

I cannot wait for this semester to end. Two weeks then finals. Fuck my school is so late.

Someone tell me why I'm not in Japan right now?

Oh right I need to actually graduate someday soon and I'm not rich. Also, the dollar is fucking 93 yen to a dollar. That means everything is fucking 高すぎる。

Really going to do this shit. I PROMISE.

Fuck my life

I have a rough draft due for class tomorrow. 

I decided to do Dolce Stil Novo but we only did 2 works from Guido Guinizelli and 1 from Dante that would be considered so. Not to mention we discussed EVERYTHING in such detail that there is barely anything to say.

I think I'll just talk about how the comparisons of a loved woman to religious figures, mainly God, reflect the importance of religion in the authors' lives. 

OH and it has to be in perfect italian. 

Off topic, I need to stop playing with my claddagh ring. I'm going to lose it.

Somewhat on topic, I want an Italian boyfriend. So he can make out with me and do my homework.

Una figuraccia

Today was not a good day.

Not for any reason in particular. I did want to buy a new computer and I didn't cause I let what certain people have to say burrow into my brain and I second guessed myself. The usual damn pattern.

I do like the song "Broken Strings" by James Morrison. Nelly Furtado is in it, which is enough for me.

I made brownies and they turned out awful.

I have to write homeworks for grammar class on bicyclists, songs about them, clips from a movie, etc. etc. etc. So annoying but god are they late.

Anche se non voglio fare una figuraccia, la faccio ogni giorno.

Il cerchio

We've started and finished Dante. I really like his stuff, and it's really interesting to see how his body of work reflects his life at the time. Of course, as it's literature, you can't parallel everything to a real-life event as there's no auto-biography written by the great author himself.

It's amazing to see how he wrote all of these beautiful works in the dolce stil novo period, and then gets hardened, and goes so far as to write in poetry in hard sounds and in a really hard, tormented manner. 

Of course the Comedy in and of itself is layered with morality, personality and emotions. He almost condemns his past work in Canto 5, which we read. 

In other news, I had a presentation that went far too long in Japanese, I have a Japanese accent when speaking Italian, and cronica gialla are not fun at all because I can't do thrillers in English, much less Italian peppered with Sicilian vocabulary.

I went to a show on Thursday night and got much drunker than expected, though the cab ride to my friend's was safe and much faster than a trip back to my own home. I'll  be doing that more often.

Off to do absolutely, positively nothing.

C'è un po'

I have a Japanese accent when I speak Italian.

My professor said it, then some friends, then my other professor confirmed after a presentation.

Honestly, that's pretty crazy and just a little bit exciting. I'm used to speaking in another language so I don't hesitate trying to pronounce things correctly. Too bad I pause too much at double consonants and don't keep my self from pronouncing rolled r's a bit like l's. 

Example: rilassarmi. It's one of my least favorite words.

I do enjoy the words auguroni and 希望 at the moment. Many wishes and hope.

I'm proud of the fact that my brain adapted to Japanese enough to leave an accent when I speak Italian. It's kind of frustrating that I'm fluent in neither but what can you do.

I did do a presentation on dialects. I hope I can learn more about dialects besides some Osaka dialect in Japanese. I'd love to learn some Sicilian or Calabrian Greek. I need an Italian boyfriend.

In other news, I watch P.S. I Love You and cried like a baby. I hope I'll find someone that nice. One really does start to feel like they have a disfigured face when their longest relationship is 9 days and they've never said those three special words. 

Work in the am. Goodnight.

P.S. If anyone even reads this, can you leave a comment? I've not done anonymous blogging before. I've blogged for over  8 years but never on a site like Blogger and not under cover of night. Go click that button.

Hometown Glory

I live in arguably the best city in the world. Songs have been written about it.

Yet, the last place I want to be is here. It's fucking lonely. My friends are all busy with new relationships or busy with their own problems and dramas. I need to make new friends but come next semester, it will be very different since most people work and their schedules don't match.

And so on and on and on.

I found out I won't be working every weekend. I just may not make it to both Italy and Japan this summer. Those are the two things keeping me going. I also am looking forward to Canada over Winter break to visit good friends. I'll be hitting up New England too.

I really just don't know. I have no motivation for Italian. I feel awful and blocked and lost. I do well in Japanese class at least.

(miss)understood - Ayumi Hamasaki

「君は一体何が欲しいの

君は一体何を願うの

君は一体どこを目指すの

そしてそこへは誰と向かうの

君は君で生きられるのは

最初で最後この一度だけ

大きな地図を広げた後は

君だけの道を描けばいい」

"What do you really want?
What do you really wish?
Where are you headed?
And who are you going with?

It's the first and the last time
For you to live as yourself
After spreading out your map

you should draw your own way"

Forgive the lyrics, but it's been on repeat lately. 

一人きりで

I'm thinking of changing my major to Classics.

I won't, but I love the idea of moving to Greece and traveling through the Mediterranean researching ruins and gods that aren't discussed anymore. I feel like marrying someone Greek and eating Baklava once in a while. I want to sit on a beach with clear blue water. 

I was talking about Japan again last night. As claustrophobic as that society is, I really would love to live there again. Even if I don't have a deep friendship with 2 people, at least I'll have 20 to e-mail with, get a drink with and bullshit with.

Right now, I have no friends I see and hang out with on a regular basis. Open bar last night was good though. I needed some drinks and a loud and crazy cab ride back to get out all the kinks.

This doesn't change the fact that I have to translate Cavalcanti and read more about Dante.

We're doing La Vita Nuova and moving onto La Commedia soon. I need to get into Italian.

Does anyone know any Italians who need a boyfriend? Thanks.

Right. Off to the Cavalcanti.

Rempaira

I have a cold so no work for me.

There's two things I know I can always count on in my life: my mom and my grandma. They've been there for me since the beginning and they always have advice for me. My grandma always visited me in the nursery and I've always seen her plenty. My mom has always helped me with whatever bullshit I'm going through.

She's also helping me figure out what to do right now, and making sure I don't just give up and stay a miserable p.o.s.

I'm not dropping my hard-as-shit literature class. I'm taking the midterm and at this point, I feel good about it. I guess our teacher wants us to just do well and understand, rather than amaze her with these clear and brilliant points on poetry and the meanings of the works. 

I also have to take a Sociology midterm, but I like Sociology and it makes sense.

Maybe I'll be a translator but maybe I'll do sociology/anthropology. I could also possibly study Greek or Mandarin or Portuguese. I don't know, I just find the ability to speak multiple languages extremely amazing. Not in another person romantically, but just in general.

America needs more foreign language education. 

Okay, I need to get ready. Wish me luck.

Two months and counting

I've been home for two months.

I've thought about starting to blog anonymously and I think its what I needed to do.

Long story short, I spent a year out of the States. I can speak Japanese now. I can't say I would live in Japan for the rest of my life, but I made some good friends.

Two problems.

1) I have no clue why my major is what it is, why I'm still in NYC, what the fuck I'm doing and why the fuck I'm still alone. I have 5 friends that I see. That's right, 5. I have not been out for weeks. I'm lost.

2) I can't say some of my friends in Japan ever really connected with me, but while I complain about that, what the fuck about my friends here? Are any of them worth it?

I haven't been able to sleep. I just zone the fuck out. I haven't handed in assignments and right as I'm about to graduate (relatively anyway) I'm wanting to leave. Drop everything, go someplace new with no connections. Japan was that but in a way it was still connected to me. 

I have been home for two months and not for one moment have I felt like this is where I should be.

I just want to be in my favorite city chugging beers and speaking Janglish. Or with some good friends here. 

Doesn't anyone else feel fucking frustrated with their lives and like they're in the completely wrong spot with nothing to do about it?